Female Body Expectations and Pleasure
Written by Kathryn Halcyon, Sexuality Counsellor
4 minute read
Kathryn is a holistic sex and pleasure coach and therapist who reconnects people with their sexual joy & empowerment. She helps people reconnect with their body and sexuality for peaceful living, wild pleasure, deep intimacy and expansive self compassion.
Female Body Expectations and Pleasure
From my years of sexuality coaching and counselling, I’ve found the most common brake when it comes to our sexual fire and intimacy is how we feel about our bodies. It’s not that we don’t have the libido or desire to have sex - it’s the mental block of internalised body shame standing in the way of us experiencing that pleasure.
The same way the diet industry has infiltrated media: the adult film industry has lied to generations of young people about what to expect from sex, in particular from female bodies. From this performative space, not only are we expected to look a certain way, but we’re expected to make our bodies act a certain way as well.
Female bodies are expected to make noises how they want you to make noises, move how they want you to move, perform in certain acts and orgasm rapidly and multiple times.
This is a whole new level of body shaming being layered upon an already toxic mass of social expectations of the female body.
Evidence has proven consistently that only through mindfulness and presence can female bodies actually experience pleasure.
An example I love to share is that it can take a woman up to an hour to feel ready for internal sex.
But the “norm” doesn’t cater for this, leaving generations of women disappointed and feeling broken or less-than. All body types, colours and shapes have been categorised for viewing in this performative lens, but there has been a significant rise in labiaplasty surgeries over the last decade, with vulva-having people seeking to match the adult film stars and researchers connecting it to the lies portrayed by adult media.
The minimising of our experiences goes beyond the adult film world. We live in a culture that educates us as children to, “Sit still and be quiet,” which is by default telling children, “Don’t take up space and your voice is not important.” The messages about minimising our self-expression exist from a young age.
Especially for bigger bodies who are being fetishised and yet by the same industry told to reduce their existence.
A few decades later, these people sit across from me in my therapy room and tell me they feel they can’t be heard, and don’t know how to express their emotions. Which are not only essential for a healthy sex life but for a healthy life in general.
If you resonate with this so far, firstly: you’re not alone. Feeling shame around your body in sex is statistically the most prevalent block to sexual pursuit in women (Nagoski, 2015).
It’s also not your fault. This has been social conditioning. But you get to choose a new story, now.
Here are some evidence-based approaches to ease you back into the pleasure you deserve:
Understand that having sex or being sexy has nothing to do with looking sexy. Feeling flirty and sexy is a vibe or a characteristic - anyone and any body can be this way.
Practise re-sexualising yourself. By this, I mean start seeing yourself as a sexual person again. Spend more time naked and doing sexy things alone (in an empty house or bedroom if that helps!) Remind yourself feeling sexy is not about what you look like - but a mood.
Communicate with your partner, and let them know what you’re going through. Preface that with, “I’m not looking for advice, I’m just sharing my experience.” And then invite them to be more considerate of and sensitive to your concerns, perhaps sharing what they love about your sexual energy in the bedroom.
Reach out for support from a trained professional
For further support or to work with Kathryn you can find her on Instagram or on her website.
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